Recently, a debate on a message board I visit, frequently, spured some thoughts in my head. And we all know once I get thoughts in my head, they fester and turn and must at some point, come out.
Well, As I sat there, cross legged on the couch in the basement, with this really cool orangey, pinky, sort of melon-like yarn in my lap, with the startings of a blanket I am hoping will pass as good enough to give to one of my daughters for christmas, I was thinking about my experience as a single mom.
Its been 10 months since I have been a single mother. My children don't see their father, so I rarely get a "day off", (actually the last time I did was 2 months and a bit ago) and 100% of their day to day lives is governed by me. It is completely and totally 100% up to me and only me to make sure they are fed, clothed, behaving, clean, learning things on a daily basis, and above all else, feel they are the most important aspect of my world, and loved beyond all reason. This, while stressful, is also very liberating. Once you "got this", you feel like a million bucks, and that you can conquer the world.
I would have to say, that 10 months ago, I didn't think I would ever get to the point I am now. I am actually very at peace with my circumstances, and have some few very supportive, and amazing friends to thank for that. (Lisa, Heather, Julia, Brenda, Kirstin.. just to name a few) My kids are well adjusted, and I get compliments constantly about them in the last 10 months. I hear they are more relaxed, and calmer the majority of the time. While I don't think anyone means this as a dig or anything, I think its just a mere observation.
I think, overall, being happy and content with yourself, makes happy and content little people. I wasn't happy, and I certainly wasn't content for a very long time, and I think that once the initial shock was over, and acceptance came, that I became happy and content. Would I change things? The way they happened, sure I would. I had an extremely traumatic experience, and would have liked to completely skip that if I could have. I'm sure a lot of people would have liked that never to happen. However it did, and theres nothing we can do to change that now.
I wanted basically with this post to give a few tiny words of advice I think..
For single mothers, I wanted to say to do whatever you need to do to be happy. Accept your circumstances, most of us never ask for it, but it turns out this way, and we need to accept it, and be the best we can be. Being a single mother doesn't not equal a life of hostility and resentment. That's not healthy for you, or the children you care for. Accept it, Its not all that bad afterall (I'm a big believer in the - someone, somewhere has it MUCH worse than I), and be the best mother you can be. If your children's other parent is in the picture, no matter what has happened in the past, and what you feel towards that person, its probably better to just get to a point where you can both be at least civil to one another. Basically, do whatever you have to do to raise healthy, wonderful, good little people who will be an asset to the world when you finally turn them loose.
For people who know a newly single mother, I wanted to list some of the things that *really* helped me when I was going through it..
1. Stop in, Tell NSM (New single Mom) to get dressed, and do her hair because you're all going out for a walk. Sometimes, when Moms are trying to fit into a new routine and handle everything themself, they let themself slide, and we *really* need to be reminded we are important.. and that a happy mom = happy children.
2. Tell NSM you believe in her, and that she's making the right decision. Even if she doesn't seem to believe you.
3. Stop in, bring a new book for the kids, and read it to them, give NSM 15 minutes to do soemthing *she* really neeeds to get done, whether thats a quick shower, a load of washing, dishes, or a 15 minute power nap.
4. Let her know that it *will* get easier, with routine, and that she's a wonderful mother. (One of the moments in my early days that I still remember with tears, is the day my aunt came over unexpectidly. I wasn't even dressed, my dishes weren't done, but she told us all to get dressed, and we took the kids for a walk, and they chatted away in the wagon over timbits while we talked. ((she too has been a single mother)) At one point in time, she stopped, she looked at me, with tears in her eyes, and she said something to the effect of, "I know its not easy right now, but know that we love you, and we love your kids, and we BELIEVE in you. You're a wonderful mother, and I know you won't let these kids down.") It truely made a difference, the confidence factor, is huge.
5. Remind her, that someday, somewhere she's going to find someone who will treat her like the gorgeous princess she is, and that she doesn't have to settle until that happens.
and, lastly..
6. Bring over a box of tissues after the kids are in bed, and just let her cry if she needs to.
Maybe people will agree with me, maybe they won't.
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